sugar spell it out like,

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:58:37 GMT

things are good.
i don't have internet at home, so e-mail is the best way to reach me. I get it on my phone.
I haven't looked at my friends page since I moved, I miss you guys!
I can't look at livejournal at work, but I'll try to be better about checking it when I can at my parents' house or on my iphone.
hope you're all doing well!

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:59:37 GMT

i'm not entirely sure how, but my ribs icon has turned into this angry cat? wtf? i didn't do it. and i'd love to know how that happened.

in other news...
i'm seriously considering moving into my brother's place for a while. he's only gonna charge me $300/month and some utilities. i've liked living at home, it's not terrible, but i want to not live here anymore. i've been guilt tripped enough, i shouldn't feel bad about hanging out with friends and not being home for dinner. that's bullshit. seriously? fuck it.

its going to be a pretty big change, but I think it'll be okay. when it comes down to it, I'll basically be paying my brother instead of my parents, and they're okay with me moving in with ian.
and in time, i'll move out to riverside with monica. we're going to see how things go, but i'm pretty sure it'll happen. she's awesome. she makes me happy, she's adorable and smart, and while things are complicated right now, they're about to be a lot less.

i'm tired. more later.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 04:35:28 GMT

i'm letting go of the things i cannot control. i can't force someone to be friends with me if they really don't want to be. while that makes me very sad, it's not something i can control or change. i've said everything i wanted to say and made my peace. maybe someday we'll be friends and we'll hang out and it'll be great.

it's been a mellow weekend. fun times with monica and john on friday, mellow day yesterday and today. delicious brunch with kelly and jonathan made my day. I love my friends.

bought a new sketchbook today. my goal is to fill it up completely and not abandon it halfway through.

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:26:16 GMT

happy: Obama is our new president.
sad: florida passed the amendment to ban gay marriage.

not that i have or even will have someone to marry... i have the right to it. but i'm so glad discrimination is back in action. equal rights? pssh. fuck that. keep telling me my "choice" is to blame for all this.

i wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 04:01:34 GMT

you are the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the last when i fall asleep. you make me nervous. palms sweaty, heart races, but when i'm with you... i feel calm. it feels right. not just because this heart wants it so much, just like i'm where i belong. how i feel when i'm in colorado.
you're worth waiting for. i'm sorry it took me this long to not be afraid to love you.
never forget nc. i fell for you the moment we met.

August 20, 1918

Darling, my darling. One line in haste to tell you that I love you more today than ever in my life before, that I never see beauty without thinking of you or scent happiness without thinking of you. You have fulfilled all my ambition, realized all my hopes, made all my dreams come true.

You have set a crown of roses on my youth and fortified me against the disaster of our days. Your courageous gaiety has inspired me with joy. Your tender faithfulness has been a rock of security and comfort. I have felt for you all kinds of love at once.

I have asked much of you and you have never failed me. You have intensified all colours, heightened all beauty, deepened all delight. I love you more than life, my beauty, my wonder.

Duff Cooper, English politician, to Diana, his future
wife.

a million hours left to think of you and think of that.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:01:54 GMT

today has been rough. i barely got any sleep last night. i couldn't get comfortable, couldn't fall asleep. i was so exhausted, and my body tried, but i kept getting this weird feeling. i woke up and puked this morning. purely anxieties. it's like i can't calm my body down, its going as fast as my head. so now my body aches. i'm exhausted, and i'm nursing a headache. i need to learn how to calm myself down better. i never used to have anxieties this bad.

this letter is one of my favorites so far. i think because i feel a lot of it myself. underneath all the doubts and what ifs i fear, i know i can't give up. i've felt this strongly, this much, for one other person in my life... and that was shannon. and so i will wait and hope. because she's the only person in the whole world i want to spend my life with. for what i did to her, i deserve it. i don't deserve her. but she makes me want to be a better person. and i feel like we fit together.

c 1780

Sophie,

To be with the people one loves, says La Bruyere is enough -- to dream you are speaking to them, not speaking to them, thinking of them, thinking of the most indifferent things, but by their side, nothing
else matters. O mon amie, how true that is! and it is also true that when one acquires such a habit, it becomes a necessary part of one's existence.

Alas! I well know, I should know too well, since the three months that I sigh, far away from thee, that I possess thee no more, than my happiness has departed. However, when every morning I wake up, I look for you, it seems to me that half of myself is missing, and that is too true.

Twenty times during the day, I ask myself where you are; judge how strong the illusion is, and how cruel it is to see it vanish. When I go to bed, I do not fail to make room for you; I push myself quite close to the wall and leave a great empty space in my small bed. This movement is mechanical, these thoughts are involuntary. Ah! how one accustoms oneself to happiness.

Alas! one only knows it well when one has lost it, and I'm sure we have only learnt to appreciate how necessary we are to each other, since the thunderbolt has parted us. The source of our tears has not dried up, dear Sophie; we cannot become healed; we have enough in our hearts to love always, and, because of that, enough to weep always.

Gabriel Honore de Mirbeau
french revolutionary

one for today.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 02:49:09 GMT

it's been a rough day. i found myself reading our old conversations tonight. and it only made me miss you, us, and make me more upset. i promise to do everything i can to make you happy. more importantly, i promise to love you and not be afraid of it.

a letter for today. franz liszt.

Thursday morning 1834

My heart overflows with emotion and joy! I do not know what heavenly languor, what infinite pleasure permeates it and burns me up. It is as if I had never loved!!! Tell me whence these uncanny disturbances spring, these inexpressible foretastes of delight, these divine, tremors of love. Oh! all this can only spring from you, sister, angel, woman, Marie! All this can only be, is surely nothing less than a gentle ray streaming from your fiery soul, or else some secret poignant teardrop which you have long since left in my breast.

My God, my God, never force us apart, take pity on us! But what am I saying? Forgive my weakness, how couldst Thou divide us! Thou wouldst have nothing but pity for us...No no! It is not in vain that our flesh and our souls quicken and become immortal through Thy Word, which cries out deep within us Father, Father...out Thy hand to us, that our broken hearts seek their refuge in Thee...O! we thank, bless and praise Thee, O God, for all that Thou has given us, and all that Thou hast prepared for us....

This is to be -- to be!

Marie! Marie!

Oh let me repeat that name a hundred times, a thousand times over; for three days now it has lived within me, oppressed me, set me afire. I am not writing to you, no, I am close beside you. I see you, I hear you. Eternity in your arms... Heaven, Hell, everything, all is within you, redoubled... Oh! Leave me free to rave in my delirium. Drab, tame, constricting reality is no longer enough for me. We must live our lives to the full, loving and suffering to extremes!...

Franz

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 04:12:06 GMT

one for today.
i'm sorry it took me so long to not be afraid... that i ever left because of it.
you're still my one. after all this time.

"Friday 8 p.m.

If only I were a clever woman, I could describe to you my gorgeous bird, how you unite in yourself the beauties of form, plumage, and song!

I would tell you that you are the greatest marvel of all ages, and I should only be speaking the simple truth. But to put all this into suitable words, my superb one, I should require a voice far more harmonious than that which is bestowed upon my species - for I am the humble owl that you mocked at only lately, therefore, it cannot be.

I will not tell you to what degree you are dazzling and to the birds of sweet song who, as you know, are none the less beautiful and appreciative.

I am content to delegate to them the duty of watching, listening and admiring, while to myself I reserve the right of loving; this may be less attractive to the ear, but it is sweeter far to the heart.

I love you, I love you. my Victor; I can not reiterate it too often; I can never express it as much as I feel it.

I recognise you in all the beauty that surrounds me in form, in colour, in perfume, in harmonious sound: all of these mean you to me. You are superior to all. I see and admire - you are all!

You are not only the solar spectrum with the seven luminous colours, but the sun himself, that illumines, warms, and revivifies! This is what you are, and I am the lowly woman that adores you.

Juliette
- to Victor Hugo"

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 00:40:10 GMT

i don't even know if she reads this anymore...

dear you.

this is my letter to you. a letter i've been writing in my head for months, and wrote out physically weeks ago when we started talking again. this letter is 8 months late, just like i am, but it contains my heart and everything i want to give you. i know i can't change the past, but i have grown and become a better person. all i can do is apologize, show you how sorry i am for how much i hurt you, and promise that i will everything I can to never hurt you ever again. we both had some growing and searching to do, and look as us now... we've both grown into ourselves and our lives. and i'm sorry if this is too much. most of this i said earlier today, and you now know. but this is it. this is my heart and my head. this is everything.

i love you for you, and i want to be able to again. i want to wake up to your face, and the kids... i want alix and tranny and boobs sleeping all up in my business, as long as its with you. i want to send you text messages in the morning, wishing you a good day at work. i want to go to concerts we both love, hold hands in movie theaters, go for walks on the beach at night or with the dogs during the day. i want to go to art shows with you and go dancing, feel more alive like i did with you, i want to be sappy and romantic and buy you stargazer lilies whenever i feel like it, because i know how much you love them... how they give off their aroma at night. remember the ones I sent to the hospital after your surgery? how they lasted for weeks in your house, even when I came to visit. i want to leave you love notes, i want to show you how much i love you, i never want to take you for granted ever again. i want to stay over often, cook dinner with you and not just for you, it made my heart melt when we cooked together that night a few weeks ago, sat together at your new table and had a delicious meal that we made together. i want to cuddle on the couch and watch our shows, just being. when it's right, i want to live together. i want your face to be what i wake up to every morning, and fall asleep holding hands. (remember that night?)

i want to grow old with you. you make me strive to be a better person, to feel more comfortable in my own skin. you used to be my muse, and i'd like that again. i created some really great pieces when you occupied my thoughts, and i can feel it in me again. i want to know how your day was, i want to be there when they're shitty, and celebrate when they are great. i want to help you with anything you need, be there for you in any way possible. i want to be there if you have to have surgery again, bring you flowers again for your room, and get you anything you need. i want to love you better than before. i want to show you that i've grown, that i don't want to just date people. i want you. after all this time, you're still my one. i listen to music you've given me, mix cds and artists i had never heard of before i met you, and our memories are laced within the lyrics. i think of parentheses and i imagine being in colorado last year, carving them into an aspen tree on my favorite trail. i was alone, and had that song on repeat because it made me think of you. i wonder how they look now, how they've aged.

remember NC? another carving, another memory. even after we broke up, i still kept the directions back that you wrote on that post it... they stayed in my wallet to remind me of that time, of how spontaneous it was and how amazing. how i had just met you, but i cried like a baby when i had to leave. i want to take trips with you. get away from jacksonville and have it just be us. romantic weekends away from work and the everyday. i want to finally show you my favorite places in savannah, take you to the peach cider stand, the old sheldon church hidden in the oak trees.

i want to love you. i want to say all the things i feel. i want to start fresh, because i know we can't pick up where we left off. i want to be better than ever, and make you happy. and i feel guilty saying all this because of him. i feel guilty because hearing these things can't be easy, but i have to be honest with you. i know it's a difficult situation, and i'm sorry that i've made it confusing. but i wasn't completely honest before, and it drove us into the ground. i was afraid to let you in, to give you my whole heart. so i pushed you away. and i was childish and threw away us... when we were just going through a rough patch. i never tried, i never fought for us. and these feelings aren't new. i wanted to move to colorado with you. i wanted to start our life together. but it became so big and scary and haunting to me, that I closed up. and I'm still scared. but I'm afraid now of what happens next. I'm more afraid of laying my heart out, letting you in, waiting for time to be right and for you to figure things out... to end up without you. but there's no one else I want to be with but you. I'm not afraid of the commitment anymore, because I don't want to ever lose you ever again.
I promise I will fight for us. I promise I will keep working on myself, to be more open and not shut you out.
I promise to love you always and always be there for you.
with all my heart,
me.

such a foodie meme

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 21:10:04 GMT

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
~~42. Whole insects~~
43. Phaal
44. Goat's milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth $120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear (i really want to try this and umeboshi plums)
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S'mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin (the only kaolin i know is a form of clay...)
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs' legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake uh.. yumm!
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
~~70. Chitterlings, or andouillette~~
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost (i haven't had, but i've heard it's a good cheese)
75. Roadkill
~~76. Baijiu~~ only because i don't drink anymore.
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong i heart teas.
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

um. give me something harder. i've had like 70-80% on this list.

from the loverly jes.

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 01:23:15 GMT

1. Set iTunes or whatever you use to shuffle
2. Listen to the first 20 songs, no skipping (unless song is lyric free), no matter how embarrassing.
3. Write down the first line of each song.
4. Cross off song when someone guesses the title and artist correctly.
5. Google or using the Internet in any way (besides to type and post your answers) is cheating

1. I ride a taxi/ to nowhere/and as soon as i get out/i'm gonna be alone
2. well the heat is so great/it plays tricks with the eye
3. anger he smiles, towering in shiny metallic purple armor
4. say goodnight and go/ skipping beats, blushing cheeks
5. don't look now, we're branded, we're the black sheep
6. didn't anyone teach you how to shoot a gun
7. girl you know i did it/ it's over and i feel fine
8. my foundation was rocked/ my try and true way to deal was to vanish
9. my place is of the sun and this place is of dark (and I)
10. I been drifting along in the same stale old shoes
11. hold your grandmother's bible to your chest / gonna put it to the test
12. some say I will and some say I won't / victory is an elusive whore
13. i'll be your biggest fan i will be your fool / i'll be your exception to whatever the rule
14. imagine that i am on stage / under a watchtower of punishing light
15. i'll get tired of the heart attacks / every time it rings
16. did you sweep us far from your feet / reset in stone this stark belief
17. will you be the one i wanted / will you read my mind
18. yeah what are you waiting for / why don't you just hurry up and go
19. the paint's peeling off the streets again / and i drive and close my eyes in michigan
20. eating snow flakes with plastic forks / and a paper plate of course

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 19:08:12 GMT

i never want to leave this place.
ever.

Tue, 13 May 2008 15:05:57 GMT

Robert Rauschenberg died yesterday.

read the nytimes article here

One of my favorites.

new music

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 21:50:39 GMT

I'm in the mood for some new music!
I've been listening to architecture in helsinki, the ours, bob marley... eclectic little mix.
I just got the spill canvas, miles davis, devotchka, and more bob marley...

so give me some suggestions! I'm open to a lot of things.

news!

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:09:01 GMT

I have an etsy shop. If you don't know about etsy, you should. It's an awesome site for art, knick knacks, kitsch, crafts, and everything else. I set it up to attempt to start selling prints professionally... etchings and photographs.

so... check it out, check out etsy, i'll add more prints over the weekend.
tell yer friends!

http://transizione.etsy.com